Little Brat Demons

Last week I started taking some new medications to try to relieve some anxiety and already I am feeling a positive change in myself - a lightening, a quickening.

Let me just say here, I never expected to want so badly to share my experiences in dealing with depression & anxiety. In fact, in the beginning I completely withdrew into myself, sought the comfort of only my family and was resistant to speaking with friends.

Then, I left friends. Broke up with some like I'm a mean junior high girlfriend. Dumped my best. Moved on, lighter, freer. Happier?

It's still hard to say.

I have been going to sleep earlier and waking up earlier, with more energy. I have been writing more and reading more. Everything has been MORE except for the things I want to be less. So overall, it seems like things are working.

Yesterday Chana came over for lunch and I kept apologizing to her because I found myself to be too quiet, boring even. I simply did not have anything to say, and so I refrained from making small talk to fill up our little silences.

"I feel quiet," I told her.

Usually, at any given moment even though my mouth may be silent, my brain is screaming on the inside.

What's going on? What do I have to do? Do I have to be somewhere? I have to go grocery shopping. Oh my god, I don't want to go grocery shopping, what if I freak out in the store again? Oh my god, but I don't have anything here to eat and I can't spend money eating out. Oh my god, I have no money, I'm so broke, I'm so fucked, I'm so hopelessincapableworthlessFUCKED. 

On the outside I'm trying so hard to keep smiling for you. On the inside I'm curled up in the corner of the room, shaking.

So why am I sharing this? Because it's so hard to believe that this happens to people. It's impossible to imagine what it feels like until it happens to you. You'll never understand losing your mind until you break down and lose your mind.

Drugs are great. Better living through chemicals and all that. But nothing has made me feel better than knowing I'm not the only one who has little brat demons in her head, fucking with me all the time.